''//Get inside my head:
a game, in which you play Lenni's dreams//''
(background:black)[//“Will it [[hurt]]?” you want to know
as you take the pipette.
No. At least not very much,
not too much, not more
than would make it
not worth it to try.
A scientist in a white coat,
not Lenni Sanders, who knows
nothing about any of this,
fastens your seatbelt for you,
turns down the light.
[[Squeeze]] a little drop
into both your eyes.//]
(enchant:?passage,(text-colour:black)+(background:#f7f087))[You kneel in the sand.
Something has come
dislodged in your mouth,
at the back of your mouth.
You spit a chunk of pulp,
the colour of old chewing gum,
and a little bloodied.
[[Your dad]] is there,
and he is worried for you.
More and more keeps
coming out of the hole
in the back of your mouth
where the tooth should be.
He says “Do you have a dentist?”
The best solution he says
would be to register
in [[Portugal]].]
(enchant:?passage,(background:#ac80ff))[At the end of the comedian’s show
you try to pay him with loose ibuprofen
tablets and a strip of sertraline, declaring
“A sacrifice for the gods!”
“Not good enough.”
Do you swap it for coins?
[[Yes]] [[No]]]
(text-colour:black)+(background:#87a9f7)[Your dad’s friend is visiting
your parents’ house: he brings
a gift, fruit cordial for dogs.
You miss your dog.
You pour a glass of dog juice
for your friend the poet,
who is somehow here too.
You do this by accident
and don’t tell him what it is.
Where are you going tonight?
[[The pub]]
[[The theatre]]
[[Out to dinner]]](enchant:?passage,(text-colour:black)+(background:#f29bf3))[On a large group holiday,
with mostly unreal people,
you’re looking for your spot
in the maze of sofas.
When you think you’ve found it
you see someone else's pyjamas
there. Eventually, you find
some empty spaces. Another
group is there: you join forces.
You decide to play a game,
uncertain what exactly.
Cards, perhaps.
A woman says salaciously
“It might get sexual!”
You reply
“I am 27.”
But first – a tea run.
You try to pick up 6 mugs
at once but find some
are only salt shakers.
Someone follows you into the kitchen - who is it?
[[An acquaintance]]
[[The salacious woman’s boyfriend]]]
(text-colour:black)+(background:#87a9f7)[In the beer garden with your parents
you realise you were supposed
to make a phone call. But it’s too crowded,
there’s nowhere quiet to stand, nowhere
where you’re not shoulder to shoulder
to shoulder to shoulder. Everyone
is watching the meteorological event.
Slow light is trickling through the [[sky]],
everyone is gasping, something will change
tonight.]
(text-colour:black)+(background:#87a9f7)[You and your friend
go to the theatre.
At the bar,
he orders a snake
he plans to eat
during the show.
Is this allowed?
you wonder.
[[Yeah]]
[[Nope]]]
(background:#ac80ff)[You swap it for coins. You are embarrassed.
He cracks a joke which you find very funny
in which he pokes you, hard, in the eye.
It’s uncertain what makes this quite so funny.
//Somewhere Lenni mumbles Ouchhh//
(link-goto: "//and a head beneath a duvet disappears//", (either: "hurt", "The theatre"))]
(enchant:?passage,(background:#ac80ff))[You take back what you gave him
but also scoop out £5 in change. You go to
[[The library]]
[[Someone’s house]]](enchant:?passage,(text-colour:black)+(background:#f29bf3))[Someone you don’t know well
(but have always felt you could
be friends with) is so grateful
for you making the tea
that they whisper
“I love you”.]
//this is a kind of moment people like to [[wake up]] on, a sugar cube to last the day - or should Lenni (link-goto: "dream deeper?", (either: "scandalised!", "Go to the film festival in town")) The pillow is as soft as a cheek and there is a whole roost of hours perched side by side till dawn.//(enchant:?passage,(text-colour:black)+(background:#f29bf3))[He says “Why didn’t you write down
anyone’s orders?” Everyone’s getting
almond milk, that’s all there is. [[Sorry.]]
A song is playing on the radio:
a Joni Mitchell type sings a song
about fisting a lion. You’re [[scandalised!]]](enchant:?passage,(background:#a8a8a8))[You get a reply
to the apology you sent
a long time ago.
It comes handwritten on
a collage of brown paper
and magazine clippings.
It’s signed All the best,
but it’s not ok. The letter
says you can phone 11th March
but not before - and in future,
the talk will be of matters
of large scale importance
only - or else, the rules
of complicated board games.
And no more drinking.
(link-goto: "//Moonlight is coming through the window, Lenni's ankle seeks cold air//", (either: "Squeeze", "The pub"))](enchant:?passage,(background:#ff33c9))[The assistant catches you
[[kissing]] your boyfriend
in Rymans, leaning heavily
on the display, arms around
each other, now hands
in each others’ hair,
eyes shutter now than roots
of plants in the dirt.
“Get out of here!”
You didn’t see them coming.
You were just meant to be looking
for a card for the party tonight.
A famous dog from a cartoon
is here. You don’t think he
approves either.]
(background:#460c9d)[You and her have this in common:
you were made by a mad scientist.
You are in love. You both climb
into her tent, to be safe, to be alone.
One of you has the head of a bat
which between kisses is snapping at the air.
//[[wake up]]//]
(text-colour:black)+(background:#fdc372)[You're in your living room now - what do you want to do?
[[Pack - get ready to go camping]]
[[Go to the film festival in town]]](text-colour:black)+(background:#a0eed4)[In the creative writing class,
you have to swap what you have written
with the person next to you. You've got
three pages - she has a whole stack.
Confidently in your dressing gown
you set off for the bathroom -
no toilet, sink only. No problem!
You open the cupboard door beneath
the sink, squat, reverse your butt
inside, and begin to piss.
Which food concept is in your notes -
[[on the go]] or [[sit down]]?](background:#ac80ff)[You are looking at the local history
on the walls, the printed poems
that came from writing workshops
here. A woman seems to recognise you.
She looks like your grandmother
but she doesn’t have her name.
She offers you some bread and butter
to take round to your grandparents’ house.
They are still there, to your surprise.
You're in a black dress like you wore
to the funerals you thought you attended.
//[[wake up]]//](background:#ac80ff)[You go round as a gesture of peace.
An unspecified enemy lies upstairs,
hating you, you are well aware.
It doesn't feel safe here.
Downstairs, the visit goes well,
and is pleasant enough. You are lent
a lip balm. “I’ll be wanting that back.”
You say “Let’s hang out soon.”
It's uncertain if you mean it.
The coat you’re wearing
is not your own. You take away
the picture you’ve been doodling,
while you were sitting on the sofa.
it’s called
[[The Revolution]]
[[The Dynasty]]]
(background:#ac80ff)[A picture of a group of people
whose hands are joined.
Their arms and legs are tangled
in a dance suggesting
that they changed places,
but did not let go. One is you.
Your dance partner’s face
is turned away.
//[[wake up]]//](background:#ac80ff)[It’s a drawing of a scene from a film:
a man returns to his mansion
on horseback. The man at the door
asks: “Where have you been?”
First man: “I went to the baker’s -
my wife was there,
we were talking about bread,
we made love on the counter.”
Second man: “What does your wife look like?”
First man: “A big sexy ass, and fingers
that can play the clarinet!”
Second man: “Don't you know your wife is dead?”
First man: “Where have I been?”
It was a demon.
//[[wake up]]//](background:#1b4607)[There is a beautiful astronaut
her hair floats behind her
her catsuit is green
//[[wake up]]//](text-colour:black)+(background:#fdc372)[You have got new camping pillows,
which come with complicated directions:
first pour the liquid onto paper to set,
then peel along the dotted line -
the gel comes off easily, inflates itself,
and rises to the ceiling, a little creature
with horns, an entirely gentle animal
of air, which bobs around the room
with the other you made, moving
like carousel horses or like fish
approaching the surface. You wonder
how you’re supposed to go to sleep
on one. You remember you were meant
to save these to see together.
Will they last till he gets home?
The doorbell rings, who do you think it is?
[[Him]] or [[a stranger]]?] (text-colour:black)+(background:#fdc372)[Nothing good is on and
nobody wants to share
the rotten nectarines
you found. You’re eating
raisins with your friend
who is in such a vicious mood
you take off walking:
at a stall, you find a suitcase
with your name on, £14.99.
[[Do you take it without paying]]
or [[go to find more fruit?]]](text-colour:black)+(background:#fdc372)[Out of sight
around the corner,
you open it – it’s full
of Dune merch.
Everyone is so impressed.
(link-goto: "//Lenni rolls over at 3am, looking very peaceful in the night's almost perfect silence (only occasional cars, which are almost like the ocean)//", (either: "Portugal", "someone's house"))](text-colour:black)+(background:#fdc372)[In the supermarket, you find
a sack of raisins flavoured with plum,
for everyone to help themselves
and pay at the till, but you’re not
paying attention, because you’re
listening to the group of women
who are laughing conspiratorially
about their tits and you realise
you cannot talk frankly
to anyone about how you feel
about your body. You feel
like a sack of raisins – who knows
how it stays together, without
spilling its dry purple tears
across the tiles, which would tap
like the feet of a procession
of clipped wing birds?
//[[wake up]]//](text-colour:black)+(background:#a0eed4)
[a coffee cup full of spaghetti
//[[wake up]]//](text-colour:black)+(background:#a0eed4)[a bagel, inside two slices of bread
//[[wake up]]//]//Your eyes are getting sore,
your real eyes. You blink seven times
fast and see the real world again.
Somewhere, Lenni is sleeping on.
Goodnight!
Do you want to [[start]] again tomorrow night? //(background:#b78080)[You're trying to find a room
to be alone together in:
but as soon as you imagine one,
someone else comes in. Every room
you can find is smaller than the last,
you shut the door, but never fast enough.
//[[wake up]]//](text-colour:black)+(background:#fdc372)[You forgot -
you have planned the ultimate party
and everyone in the world is coming.
At a certain point you will be crushed
to death – it’s something definite,
like 5am birdsong. They will keep arriving.
A guy with a bullet wound to the head
is here. He slid in through the open
window – great entrance – you're glad
to see he's somehow fine.
And now a comic book artist you never met,
telling you about his character designs.
He says he has models made of every
character, to help him imagine how
they look. His birds, for example,
are always made of stone, to lend
the solidity he feels they especially need.
And now the brilliant experimental writer
you are always so pleased to see
standing at the back of literature nights
in the pub is here. Your friends from school
who you are sad you haven’t spoken to
in such a long time.
Your boyfriend makes a big batch of soup
more as a gesture than anything else.
It will not be enough,
The house is filling up.
(link-goto:"//Lenni's breathing somewhere changes, faster shallower - if it had wings it would be one of the smaller birds//", (either: "Someone's house", "Portugal", "hurt"))]
(text-colour:black)+(background:#87a9f7)[This place is different now:
it used to be the place to go for huge slices of pizza.
You guess that after lockdown they've had to branch out.
Now they have a gigantic laminated menu,
A4, nearly every page an advert, a very long
seafood section, which bears this disclaimer:
"I am a fisherman. I can cope with what I eat.
You might have seen the viral video of me
falling down the stairs. Blame the stairs not me!"
//(link-goto: "Lenni fell asleep in socks because of poor circulation but has kicked them off. There is a little pile of socks from previous nights accumulating at the foot of the bed, not yet enough to do something about." , (either: "scandalised!", "Go to the film festival in town"))//]
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